I abused alcohol since I was 16 years old and it was a HUGE issue in my marriage with both my husband drinking and myself. I don’t want that to be a part of me anymore. Did I ever think of myself as an alcoholic? No. Most people abuse alcohol so it seemed normal for so many reasons. But I would drink to get drunk to feel good, party harder, be more silly and confident, and mask deep hurts that I wasn’t even aware of, until two years ago, when I moved to Texas and started inner healing.
Since my divorce in 2013, my life has changed 100%… a new creation in Christ. Total transformation from within and with Christ as my pursuit and center of my life. In the last five years, I’ve quit alcohol not once, not twice, but now is the third time. It was seven months, then a year and now six months.
When I would drink one I knew I would have two. That slight buzz would lead to three and then maybe four. Never eating when I would drink either so the buzz would be quicker and more intense. It was a constant reminder of my old life and my old self… I don’t want to go back to that lost girl. I actually like who I am now, and have so much self worth (though I have my days…) that I don’t ever want a drop again. There are some people that still and will say to me, “You can just have one! You only drink a handful of times a year now, so you will be fine!” NO. Actually, I won’t. Continuing to see a pattern and recognizing it puts me back into a mindset where I don’t ever want to be again. Thankful a Texas friend planted seeds of me quitting again. He saw how I got when I decided to drink “here and there” or how I wanted to go drink after a past trigger came up. This was all after my year of sobriety was up in August of 2017. I was SUPER defensive when approached with, “I don’t think it’s a good idea that you even drink one.” My response was, “Why!? Don’t tell me what to do. I can handle it.” RIGHT THERE… THAT ATTITUDE sunk into my brain over months and months. Every time I had a drink or two, I began to ask myself again, “WHY am I choosing to do this still!?”
God has given me SO MANY chances… He woke me up with new breath in my lungs, every single time after a night of doing drugs or drinking, and for THAT I am grateful.
I drank a handful of times last year in 2018… one time being on my birthday in June. No one noticed that I didn’t eat and was three gin and waters in. I drove myself home that night… justified it in my head and told my friends I was “fine” when they asked. That night started to wake me up again and remind me of how far Christ has brought me from that lost and empty girl. In August that same year, I tried to take advice from others and, “just have one drink”. Every time I even drink that one, my thoughts are focused on, “I can have one more, right? Should I not? I don’t know? “I probably shouldn’t.” Seriously, WHY even go there!? I have been at get togethers where there has been drinking. I decline, but it’s still a thought. And seeing how people change when they drink… yikes. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I just don’t. An altered state of mind… ACCOUNTABILITY is extremely important and especially for me. I need it. I ask for it now so I don’t even have one. It’s harder when I’m in a restaurant that has a bar attached to it or when people drink in front of me. I still tell people it’s ok, but my mind does go there. Now living in Oregon I’m making new friends and have to tell them and ask for accountability. A group of us girls went to a restaurant/ bar the other night… girls had drinks around me and I thought about it, but then a friend asked, “are you ok? I don’t want to make you stumble. I won’t have one if it makes you uncomfortable.” Just by her acknowledging the situation, made me not want to, but I didn’t want to be there anymore because I don’t want people to feel like they can’t drink around me. They have a choice too. Then it’s people talking about their drinks… next topic please. I just can’t put myself in those types of environments… bars or parties where excessive drinking and drunk people are because that was a majority of my life and my marriage. Seeing and hearing some drunk guys when we were leaving that restaurant/ bar made me SO THANKFUL that is NOT my life anymore. Meaningless. Empty. Chasing after the wrong things. Conforming to this world… even a little bit. Pushing limits.
Hear me when I say this friends… I am NOT judging you if you drink. This is my story to share and my intent is to always help others and GIVE GOD the glory for saving me from more destruction in my life. He has opened my eyes really wide this time where I know this is it. Even though I’ve made it an entire year before and drank again, I know I’m done with drinking. I do believe it’s important to ask yourself at some point though, “WHY do I drink?” “WHEN do I feel I need it most?” “Do I drink to fit in socially?” “Does the job I hate cause me to cope this way?” “Does the traffic I sit in for hours cause me drink to not deal with being impatient or anger issues?” Be honest with yourself.
I finally live a healthy life away from abusive relationships, addictions, negativity… whole body wellness. I’ll never be perfect because no one will ever be on this side of Heaven. Life is always going to be full of trials and joys, good seasons and hard ones, but the one thing remains the same is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He continues to walk with me through every single one of these times. I am able to focus more and work harder at my business. I take time for self care. I am very aware of who I am in Christ now and my past does not define me. I love being able to pour into others in a healthy way. I enjoy having a clean mind that is guilt free to feel honest and raw emotions and be able to work through them with Christ. Running my business within a total wellness company, has allowed me to continue to choose my health everyday… it has given me more FREEDOM to grow in so many ways, be a light for others, seek Jesus more, and become WHO HE CREATED ME to be 💙 -trw