God saved me over and over

I was bullied as a kid in a private school and I struggled with insecurities my entire life. I made a choice to get breast implants at 26 years old. I battled through years of partying… abusing drugs, alcohol and being promiscuous. I was destroyed into pieces and walls of hurt, lack of self worth and anger were built up by physical, mental, sexual and emotional abuse from many relationships. I was in a marriage for seven years, together almost ten, where I gave my heart and soul to my husband and partying and not to God. The devil was constantly working to destroy me, my husband and us. I was continuously sick and getting diagnosed with things that didn’t make any sense, so I drank right along side of my husband and became addicted to researching my symptoms on a daily basis. I was consumed with being ill. It wasn’t until many nights of not wanting to wake up anymore, when I was at my sickest, that I truly turned back to God. I was literally on my knees begging for answers. He saved me. He led me to the answer of my illness. I put my faith and trust in Him and removed my saline breast implants on January 11, 2013. That year rocked my life. Thankfully I was healed, but my marriage was spiraling downward. I felt different. I was changing. God was tugging at my heart and I had to really listen this time. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. It was destroying my soul and who I really was, but got lost so long ago from days of partying and trying to be “somebody”. My roots at this point were non existent. After seeking advice from a Christian counselor and my pastor’s wife, I made a painful decision to leave my husband and then filed for divorce. It hurt more than words can begin to explain, and as I write this, the pain is still there. I will always love him. I cried for days, months, and now years and that pain seems to never go away. I loved my husband more than anything, but I was beginning to love God more, enough to walk away from the destructive lifestyle. It was time to take a hold of my own life, have boundaries and seek God. As I look back on my entire life, the only thing that has been consistent was God’s grace, mercy, patience and love for me. In my darkest hours God was there. He continues to give me the strength to make it through everyday of happiness, hurt, pain and rejection. Without Him, I know I wouldn’t be here today. He had His hand on me in every step of my life, even when I was extremely far from Him. I’ve questioned Him and the Bible to my core many times and yet again, struggled just even a year ago with my faith. I know that in my heart He is all things. He has performed and allowed me to see massive miracles in my life! He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know this. Through my heartache in trying to find love again, He continues to say, “be patient.” This is the hardest thing for me to practice. God gives me the strength and the courage to make it though every single day. I can’t express that enough. He calms my heart when I am sad and troubled. He creates a positive light within my soul to be an example to others, who are having a difficult time or struggling with an abusive relationship or insecurities. I still don’t know what He wants me to do. Maybe this is it, writing about my life, or to teach people something. To use my testimony to help others, and be a witness to those who are lost without Him. Whatever it will be, I can’t do anything without God. He literally saves me over and over. -trw

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