starting over

Somethings need to end to start again. I thought the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through was being sick from my breast implants. Then I thought it was my divorce. Well, it turns out it was neither. The hardest thing I had to go through was letting go of my hurts, forgiving myself for the choices I made and discovering who I am all over again. What is it that I want out of life?

I began to really take a good look at myself and started to analyze, ME. Now this, was really scary at first. I wasn’t liking the fact that I noticed I can be passive aggressive at times. I interrupt people to say one of the millions of things that is on my mind so I don’t forget it. Never admitting it until now, but I would go to the bars and get drunk to escape my fears and reality. I was getting extremely defensive when I was around guys because I hated every single one of them. Still dealing with the hurt, pain and guilt from my divorce, I was taking it out on everyone around me and not facing it. Drinking masked the pain so I didn’t have to deal with it. I was still running from a lot of things, as I always did. That is a hard reality check! Going through this process was very difficult, but I have become a lot better. Last year, I was going to give up drinking alcohol, but still wasn’t fully ready to do so. It’s been on my mind quite often to do so. This year in May, while I was on my mission trip to Haiti, I was finally ready! At first it was more difficult than I thought. I was only a social drinker, but when I drank, it was to get completely wasted. Sure it brought out a fun and carefree “Tammy”, but it also brought out an angry and defensive side from all of the bitterness I held inside for many years. I am happy that I made the decision to stop drinking. Alcohol has caused more anger, sorrow and emptiness within myself, my marriage, and then in the dating scene. I don’t need it to have a good time anymore because I am becoming happy with myself and I’m ok with being the real me now. I began to dig deeper and analyze the thoughts in my head and my behavior. Where was that fun, adventurous, loving, free spirited girl I used to know? The girl that used to give and love so much? I quickly began to realize what I lost and what’s important to me… myself.

Recognizing your faults is never easy, but takes a lot of strength and courage to change it and move forward. -trw

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